And yet many times I feel a poignant sense of isolation and loneliness.
I have tried to understand better the meaning of the Atonement, and sometimes I have wonderful insights. In the past, I often said my prayers in a rather mechanical fashion. And yet I have come to understand to some degree what Jesus meant when He prayed, “O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt” ( Matthew 26:39). Heavenly Father has answered this prayer and continues to answer it daily as I continue to pray.
My first prayer was a prayer for strength to endure this disease to the end and for a feeling of peace. PrayerĪfter the diagnosis, I did not pray for a miracle cure. He is there to help all of us bear our suffering, to listen to our prayers, and to give us peace. I must rely on my faith and my knowledge that God is good, that He knows me, and that He is aware of my circumstances. But I realize that ultimately Heavenly Father is in charge. I have renewed my passport in hopes of visiting an old friend in Germany, and I ordered more flowers for my garden. Far from it! I intend to live my life as fully as possible as long as I can. However, I am not going to just lie down in bed, turn my face to the wall, and wait to die. I am now working on the acceptance stage. 1 I felt I had dealt with the first four stages during my previous encounter with cancer, but I find that some of these feelings still emerge every now and then. What does a person do when faced with a death sentence? People often go through these stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Beyond that, the doctor told me, there was nothing that could forestall the progression of the disease.
You might have several months or several years.” We decided I would undergo drug therapy to prevent further bone damage and to help with pain management. The first question I could manage was “How long do I have?” The doctor replied, “I can’t tell you that. However, I had had so many good checkups since my first bout with cancer that I had become rather complacent. My daughter and I looked at the doctor, speechless, and then I lamely said, “Well, at least I have my will made out.” I knew that breast cancer can return 10 or even 20 years after an initial episode. Now I was at my oncologist’s office to learn the results of a previous routine blood test. It had been almost six years since I had had surgery and chemotherapy for breast cancer, which had been discovered during a routine mammogram. “Your cancer has returned.” I was shocked at my oncologist’s words.
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